Spiritually Speaking

Brian is my brother who I haven’t seen since I was around 12 years old. I completely missed growing up with him and my youngest sister. I don’t even know where he is now. I don’t know if he’s still in California or not.

Brian was only 2 years old the last time I saw him. I have a picture of him when he was around eight. I was placed in a foster home and yet he had to stay with my abusive father. I could never understand why that happened.

I hope my brother is well now. I know he has one son, but I don’t know his age. I hope to see them someday. Sooner rather than later.

Happy birthday Brian. I love you.

Have you ever experienced synchronicity so much that you stopped being surprised by the events? Well, I still get surprised for a moment or two, but, then I realize that it means something and I hope for the next synchronistic event to happen. I almost expect it, even.

It happens to me almost daily. And each time I get a thrill because it’s usually something that makes me smile.

It’s much easier for me to express myself through writing when it’s coming from my soul. That way I don’t have to think as much. I usually free-write because that’s when I know my soul is speaking through me. Of course I have to read it over and edit, but, at least I’ve got it down in concrete form.

I love to write. I’ve been doing it since before I was a teenager. I usually would write in journals or at school for English class. I never imagined that I would desire to have a career in writing. Now I think I know why. I always like the easier road to travel. And yet, I always end up taking the longest and most difficult way.

But I don’t write because I’m looking to get rich. If I wanted to be rich, I wouldn’t have chosen writing. Not that it can’t happen, but, that’s not the point. The truth is, I didn’t choose writing. It actually chose me. I’ve practically given up on my dream to be published so many times only to feel the sense of urgency once again…and again of writing whatever I feel like getting out of my head or whatever my soul prompts me to write.

And now, I am soon to be published. Finally. No money, but, no matter. The time will come or I will die trying. Because I won’t give up as long as my soul brings words to my consciousness they will always come out whether it’s in journal form or a book. But, even if I never get paid to write, I will won’t stop. Not unless and until my soul grows weary and my fingers can’t type or hold a pencil.

edited
orginally written on another blog: May 4, 2005

Here it once again, my son’s birthday. Now he’s married and he’s in basic training at Lackland AFB.

My daughter set the alarm on her watch for 8:44 p.m. so that she could say that 22 years ago today I had Anthony.

He was my first and my easiest to carry. He wasn’t the easiest to raise because all of my kids are unique and I had to deal with certain issues differently with each of them.

Anthony has always been the most independent of my three children. We had our share of troubles when he was a teenager. Funny. Now that he doesn’t live at home, my house is always clean. He just recently told me that he didn’t think I wanted him to live at home. He understands better now. And even compliments me on my mothering. But I wonder if he really believes that. I hope not because it’s so far from the truth. But, I guess if it’s his truth then that’s what he will believe.

He was a big pain at times, but thankfully he grew out of that. I don’t think I was a good mother at all to him, but I am so glad that I was blessed with a son like Anthony.

I’m proud of him. He’s a hard and dedicated worker and I know that whatever he ends up doing, he’ll be the best that he can be. He’s so smart, too. And he’s always had a good head on his shoulders. He never got into drugs or alcohol.

I love you Anthony. Happy Birthday.

Since most of what I write is spiritual and since I sometimes have dark, negative, mean-spirited thoughts inside of me, when I write something positive, I feel like such a fake. Because I feel everything but spiritual, I don’t see how what I can be writing is the truth.

I believe it’s the truth when I am feeling positive, but, not when the clouds are hovering around my soul.

I just finished reading a story which not only resonates with my life, but, also opens my eyes even more. Ever since I first noticed occurances in my life that were similar, I’ve been keeping a closer eye on what goes on around me and with me.

Back then, however, I didn’t understand what synchronicity was and I was going nuts with all the signs and symbols I was seeing. And then it stopped…until more synchronicities began in different forms. Then I really started to pay attention and I noticed that whatever came to me, came with a spirit of peace. How can butterflies be anything but? I also saw kept seeing triangles. Usually upside down, but not always.

The more it happened, the more fascinated I became. After awhile there was no longer that great element of surprise, but, it still gave me joy. And it still does today.

This is what April would look like without the broken wings and body. Although April’s wind is broken and only half of her body remains, her beauty is the same. I honestly believe that God wanted me to see her and to bring her home with me.

Her body may be without life, but, I believe her soul is here in my house. “Butterfly” is, after all, synonymous with “soul”. Now that I think about it, she is even more beautiful to me because she touched our souls in such a short time.

Only after her being with us for a few hours, my daughter said that she is like family. Yeah, I think so, too.

GeekPhilosopher Free Stock Photos

Previously published on another blog, May 13, 2005

Being useful brings me joy. I feel good when I’m contributing to the world in some way. In my case, I’m homeschooling my daughter. Not only am I teaching her, I’m also learning as well. I don’t remember some things that I had learned in school. It’s been a long time since I was even in college. Now, I’m relearning while teaching my daughter.

My daughter doesn’t have to be exposed to a bunch of bullies who main purpose at school is to torment other children. She will have more time to concentrate on learning and she will have more confidence because she won’t be around others who enjoy making fun of people.

She enjoys it, too. I’ve never seen her so excited to learn. It’s sad that she has to hear guff from others. Her step-grandmother asks her when she’s going to get her school pictures taken. I guess she’s never heard of getting pictures taken at a studio before. ~rolls eyes~ The complete ignorance of people sometimes just baffles my mind.

When we allow our soul to guide us, our perspectives are that from a spiritual point of view. Instead of problems we look at them as challenges. With these challenges we face, we learn lessons and our ego ceases to control our lives.

When we are pain, it’s a signal for us to wake up. To be aware that there may be something in our life that wants or needs to change. If we ignore the pain we are experiencing, we will continue to experience it and it may even get stronger. For growth to occur, we must move boldly through the pain.

Living in the moment. It’s the best way for me to live. Since I don’t even know if there will be another moment for me, I may as well enjoy those that I have right now. So, right now, in this moment, there is peace.

Butterflies are not only like flowers that fly in the sky. They are spiritual creatures of beauty and grace. They are a symbol of freedom, renewal, and rebirth. In Greek Mythology, butterfly means soul and Psyche. Butterflies have been a part of my spiritual journey for the past 11 years, but, I wasn’t aware of this until a year ago. I’ve always believed that I had a soul. I just never knew what was the purpose of her existence.

God has subtle ways of getting our attention. He will keep bringing things, people, situations into our lives until we finally open our eyes. Some never do and that’s their choice, but, I am one who became more aware of my soul when, everywhere I went and everywhere my daughter went, butterflies appeared. This wasn’t only in the Spring or Summer months. This also happened in the coldest time of Winter.

I had begun paying attention, but it was when my daughter told me about her seeing them that I just knew that it had to be spiritual. I felt it deep inside of me. So, I began doing research on the spiritual side of these magnificant creatures.

I’ve never seen this website until today, but, there is still much I don’t know about butterflies. I just know that when they came into my life I became aware of my soul. Thus the name, Soulfulwriter. The Butterfly Website, really helped me to understand the spirituality of butterflies.